The process of removing the log from my eye
It’s painful, but worth it
Well, I finally got to the point where I made a post for paid subscribers only (the second half at least), thanks to another vulnerable whim while writing. Consider this my thanks to those of you who have already contributed to this little Substack of mine! And if you haven’t, I’d be so grateful if you prayerfully considered doing so. Writing takes time, and as they say, time is money. Your financial support truly does make a difference for our family!
“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” - Matthew 7:3-5, RSV2CE
It is quite funny (more of a “that’s ironic” funny than LOL funny) to think about how judgmental I used to be about, well, everything. I had my opinions about things, and life experiences have shown me that things are not as simple as I used to think they were.
As a newlywed, I honestly thought that everyone should have all of the babies, and if they didn’t, they weren’t trusting God enough. We were young and were not making a lot of money (seriously, we didn’t), and I figured that if WE could still be open to babies, then everyone else could be too. And then we were hit with stillbirth, infertility, and high risk pregnancies.
It has been made very clear to me over the last 15.5 years of marriage that the reasons for discerning family size are infinite, and we will never fully understand another couple’s circumstances from the outside. Because finances and reproductive factors aside, there is also the combination of each family member’s personalities (as well as health, spiritual gifts, etc.). I never considered that I, a major introvert, could give birth to a bunch of extroverts, and I never considered how that would factor into our family planning.
But here we are. I also used to think that there was this ideal scenario: a dad would work full-time while the mom would stay home and homeschool the kids. The mom would give birth naturally, breastfeed all of her babies (you know, the dozen or so that God would give), make all of the things from scratch, and volunteer at church in her spare time instead of working at an actual job outside the home. If you didn’t feel the same way, well, I thought you were crazy.
I’m not sure why I thought that was the ideal. Maybe it’s because it’s what I pictured for my life! But then I ended up with 4 C-sections and giving formula to my two oldest sons, despite my best attempts at breastfeeding them. I love to make things from scratch, but sometimes you just have to do your best…even if it means just heating up an already-made frozen meal you bought from the store.
And sometimes you realize that homeschooling is not what God is calling your family to, and instead it’s sending your kids to public school. And sometimes you also realize that not everyone is called to spend their days at home, taking care of the babies you keep having…even if it’s what you always pictured for yourself. God calls us all to different things for a variety of reasons, so here I am, spending my days working part-time from home while my kids are in school, and I’m doing a myriad of ministry things as well. Logan and I have discerned no babies for the time being (and maybe even forever), even though an outsider is often very confused by that.
It’s funny, really, to think about that huge log I had in my eye over the years, and how I was always trying to take the speck out of someone else’s eye instead of first taking the log out of mine. Thankfully, God has been rather gentle with me, allowing certain experiences to teach me so much.
Now I really have learned not to jump to conclusions about anyone else’s choices, because we truly do not know the ins and outs of someone else’s life, even if we think we do. So because of that, I honestly thought I had finally removed the log from my eye, so to speak.
Until recently.